The First Adventure, a Fateful Encounter

At one point while voraciously devouring the archives of several EVE blogs, I happened upon a statement that gave me pause.  I believe it was Jester (but don’t quote me on that), commenting that EVE is a gerontocracy of sorts.  That is, it is a game where older players have the advantage and the power, and newer players can, and always will, be inferior.  This is, of course, due to EVE’s skill training mechanic, and to a degree the logic holds.  An older character will always have more skill points than a new character, and therefore will be able to fly more ships, will be able to fly those ships better, and will be able to better fit those ships.

Nevertheless, I could not but conclude that this statement is false, because it ignores an enormous variable; in fact, it ignores the most important variable in EVE Online.

The player.

A character may have one hundred million skill points, may be tooling around nullsec in an officer fitted Titan, and may have five trillion ISK in his wallet, but if the player controlling that character is a moron, those in-game advantages are worthless. Player skill, that unique combination of individual intellect, wisdom, understanding of game mechanics, and general craftiness, is a far more important attribute than any in-game number.

Now, I make no claim to be an expert at EVE Online.  As someone who has been playing for less than a month, I cannot possibly assert that I understand the finer nuances of the game, or that the years of experience accrued by older players count for nothing.  I’m sure that, in a PVP scenario, a seasoned veteran would be able to obliterate me with a day old character, simply because he or she knows how to fight, whereas I only know the theory behind a fight.

But that does not mean I cannot be crafty, after a fashion, and it does not mean that I cannot still get the better of an idiot.

Our story begins during my first evening cruising the belts around central Caldari space.  I was piloting my trusty Rifter, go-to ship for would-be PVP pilots, fitted with the most affordable of T1 guns and tank modules.  I had decided to try my hand and the ancient and revered ninja art of can-flipping, which is not quite as easy as you might think.  For one, everyone uses those goddamn secured containers.  Added to that, most of the miners I found were in hulks or retrievers, which don’t tend to pop cans anyway.  Maybe it was because I was flying around at about 2:00 AM Central US time, and the only people online are hardcore miners who know what they’re doing, or maybe I just had bad luck.

Anyway, eventually I warp into a belt to find a Cormorant and a Badger mining away, with nary a can in sight.  But lo, off in the distance, there lay some belt rat wrecks belonging to the Cormorant, and they were yet unlooted.  Seizing the opportunity, I burned over to the nearest wreck, swiped an incredibly valuable Invulnerability Field I, and proceeded to ram my Rifter straight into the Cormorant, in case he hadn’t noticed me yet.

No response.  But I am nothing if not stubborn, and so I began a grand campaign of bumping, flying toward the asteroid he was mining, flipping about face, and crashing into him at top speed.  With each collision the mighty destroyer drifted further away from the asteroid, until at last the Cormorant was beyond mining laser range and the beam cut off.

This cruelty was the straw that broke the Cormie’s back, and he at once locked me up and unleashed the full might of his weapons.  Unfortunately for him, those weapons consisted of a meta 2 missile launcher and a 125mm railgun.  Further compounding his problems, the poor Cormorant failed to fit anything at all but for those weapons and four mining lasers, and after three or so volleys from my autocannons the mighty destroyer burst into flames.

A rather uninteresting kill, I grant you, but it was my very first, so it was worth recounting.

But, dear reader, this is not the end of the story.  That was merely the prelude to the true encounter of the evening.

Riding the high from my first kill, I change systems and warp into another belt.  By some cosmic coincidence, at the exact moment I land in belt, another ship lands as well: a Typhoon Fleet Issue.  I had never seen one before, and after looking at this one I can safely relay to you that the TFI is one ugly looking ship.  While I was wondering what a Phoon was doing there, I noticed that there was a jetcan in the belt as well.  Flipping instincts take over, and I approach.  After checking to make sure the can is not owned by the Phoon pilot, or owned by someone in his corporation, I flip the can and go into a wide orbit around it.

The Phoon pilot, a dashing gentleman by the name of Draga Lister, decides that he’s got the chops to take on a three week old Rifter pilot, and blows up my can with a cruise missile, (my can, full of some poor third party’s ore).  He then pops a can of his own and brings his ship to a dead stop.

My curiosity gets the better of me, and I set my Rifter into a tight orbit around Draga’s ugly monstrosity while I Alt-Tab out to Google “Rifter vs. Typhoon.”  Of course, there are no hits, and Wensley’s Rifter Guide is likewise silent on whether a T1 frigate can tango with a battleship.  I decide to “Look At” the ship, at which point I notice its name, big dick cumspewer.  Oh, how I cursed my situation.  Would that I had encountered Draga a month or two from now!  How I would revel in relieving him of his beloved cumspewer.  (Seriously, I would gladly sacrifice any number of cheap throwaway ships to rid New Eden of a tumor with a name like that.)

Anyway, while inspecting I discover that there are no guns on his ship, which means he must only have launchers fitted, and since I saw a cruise missile pop my can, I can reasonably deduce that he has battleship-sized launchers.  So I sat and thought.  On the one hand, given the small signature radius and speed of my ship, his missiles probably wouldn’t do much to me, and my web would let me slow down and pick off his drones.  On the other hand, I was fitted with middle-grade T1 guns and lacked the ability to overheat; breaking his tank was not likely.

Thus I found myself in a most unfortunate situation.  Here I had a Typhoon Fleet Issue, named big dick cumspewer, that had flagged himself for me, and there was nothing I could do about it.  Lamentation upon lamentation!  To add insult to injury, Draga decided to yellow box me right about now, teasing that he might have a heart attack, mash his “fire” key, and CONCORD himself.

But lo, there came to me in my despair that most true and wise of ninja proverbs: “If you can’t win, at least make sure your opponent loses.”

Shamelessly stealing a trick from Aiden Mourn, I set my CSPA charge to 1,000,000 ISK, and fired off this evemail:

Yellow boxing
From: Sertoria Kumamato
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:14
To: Draga Lister, 


Contemplating pulling the trigger?

I checked my wallet to make sure I didn’t fall into my own trap, and then sat back and waited.  Sure enough, within moment Draga sent me a reply mail:

Re: Yellow boxing
From: Draga Lister
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:15
To: Sertoria Kumamato, 


erm nope - you may if you wish

Success!  I pressed to see how much I could milk this.

Re: Re: Yellow boxing
From: Sertoria Kumamato
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:17
To: Draga Lister, 


I'm not sure I like my odds, especially against something with a name like that.

At this point he started taunting me in local, saying something along the lines of “Aww Sertoria Kumamato, look at your widdle ship.  Feeling a bit of ship envy, are we?”  Ignoring such drivel, I watched my mailbox, and soon I received this gem.

Re: Re: Re: Yellow boxing
From: Draga Lister
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:19
To: Sertoria Kumamato, 


this is a game - u either play and have a lol or you will never enjoy it - someone allows u to have a pop at there ship take that opportunity as it does not come along often

I pressed again.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Yellow boxing
From: Sertoria Kumamato
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:21
To: Draga Lister, 


As much as I appreciate the learning opportunity, I think I can assess my likelihood of success without testing it in the field.

Alas, he must have noticed his shrinking funds, and just about now the fifteen minute timer elapsed.  Draga dropped his lock on me, used another cruise missile to destroy his own can (so manly!), and warped off.  As he disappeared from the grid I sent him one last message.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Yellow boxing
From: Sertoria Kumamato
Sent: 2012.01.30 23:24
To: Draga Lister, 


By the by, I'm sure CONCORD appreciated your donations.

Thus ended my grand encounter with Draga Lister, with the final score:

Me: 0
Draga Lister: -2,000,000 ISK, - 2 cruise missiles
Random miner: - 7,000~ units of Veldspar

- Sert